in 15 minutes i turn 21!!!!!!

finally

bitches!!!!!

my turn....
i want pretty things.

SUCK IT!

i miss new york trust me i do buttttt, north carolina is awesomeee.

Reason 1- school is good and unlike paying 15000e0938987877 bajilion dollars a semester , i only pay $687.00 a full semester! sweet. and thats for all.

2- people are so much nicer which is still a bit weird but its nice . better then "ayo Fuck You".

3- beautiful beach! nicole, it totally kicks any jersey beach ass!

4- cheap cheap cheappp!

but my favorite is my townhouse. 2 floors , 3 1/2 bathrooms, 2 bedrooms ( great sizes) , bitchn closets in each, full bathroom in each, washer n dryer hookups ( which i own ) in its own closed off area, fireplace, kitchen , livingroom, linen closet, foyer closet, 2 of my very own parking spots right outside my house ( like 5 steps away?) and back yard.!!!!!!!!

all for only 700. bills are nice and low aswell..

B-E-A-UTIFUL
sweet lovin nc! how i love thee!


Im excited about this semester of school, so far my teachers are awesome. my history or rock teacher is hott but sadly gay :( .
6 classes goal - A's oh yea!

works good , sweet people and dope discounts! and free stuff.

also hoping to get a job at one of the local nursing home ( for mentally disabled) , which trains you for CNA in six months which opens up more choices for me , even tho its from 11pm- 7am.

or

walmart overnight makin 12.75 hr 10pm-7am.

o0o

and studying for the postal battery exam n hopefully taking that aswell.

on top of school, homework, hottopic, cleaning house, caring and loving my 2 doggies, and cooking dinner every night for my husband.

i can do this.

random post in a while hmm.. yes. have some down time.

ughh , where to begin. my life is well boring...lol  same thing cook , clean and fight yay!
grim is doing good he is a year old now and still crazy but gettin calmer by the day it seems. im still alone in cleaning up after  him while nick only yells n hits  him and it drives me crazyyy.

we got  a new family member is is black and tan mini pin!!  his name is nightmare n he really is one he will not poops outside i can walk him for hours and nothing but once hes back in the house there he goess. this is tuff to train him.

him and grim get along great, at first they didnt grim wanted to eat him but hes over that now, they eat the same toy play, eat out of the same bowl  its cute  we call them brothers but sometimes it seems liek grim looks at him like hes his son. weird.

i got a job t hottopic it was really cool i loved my co-workers but i quit 2 weeks ago soo i can go home for 2 week leave with the hubby , which in the end was soo not worth it. i saw my friends once and we fought everyday liek really bad. it sucked n now i lack work for now but w.e. casue i start school on the 7th of jan and  im exciteddd!!!! 

my bday passed booo for 20 its lame.
xmas is finally over thank jebus!!!!!
i bought nick 5 of the series 2 hellraisor collection ( minus pinhead) 2 ( the blood elf and the warlock) world of warcraft toys. 2 pairs of jeans casue he complains he has none n the ones he does have, have holes. and an xbox 360 and a game.

im fuckin broke.

n ofcourse i bought my dogs gifts casue im awesoem liek that , got them each a stuffed animal that makes grunt noises casue i hate squeks ones a penguin n ones a giraffe n some treats.

and  as for me well i havent gotten any of my xmas presents from nick that is. he orderd me stuff i wanted off some sites but he did it on the 23rd. yay for procrastination!

got a vaccum which i wanted from gma, a check from mom n keith and the inlaws got me and nick a xmas snowglobe a desk organizer a mini vac , towels n bathmats( which thankfully can and will be gettin returned/ exchanged at target)   and the best of all a fucking water pick.
it  fights gingevites!!!! yaya.. like seriously wtf.

all i really wanted are fuckin giftcards why cant people just do that.?

soo we didnt go back home for xmas  soo we had 3 of our friends over for the eve n day and i cooked ( and cleaned) both days , never doing that again.

on the eve i made shrimp alfredo and enchiladas ( dont ask me why i dunno) and the day i made a chicken , ham, sweet potaotes mashed with mozz  and corn

did it all from scratch to and it al came out amazingly well....yay me,

ive been sicker than sick for the past week got the flu im guessing? sore throat fever mucus ear ache. eww.

oh yea and casue my husband doesnt keep an eye on the dogs the lil dog managed to tear into my comp batt plug n eat it just enought to where it doesnt work. yayay for meee isnt that awesome.

oh well im done thats my update.
bye

reposted that from myspace blog only cause i dont write in there that often.. ignore it..

things have been crazy i owno how to explain it but whatever.

i finally bought my first mac palate(sp?) walked into the store just to see whats good and walk out mins later 185$ short.. fuckkkk!! tho it is glorious! been playing with them everyday!

lil tired so im goin to sleep my puppys snoring away.. hes weird he likes me to spit in his mouth( like water ) odd odd child! we fit perfectly!!

gosh what did livejournal turn into complain center jeesh!lolol

I've sat here staring at the screen for a good 10 mins typing then erasing, again and again. Not knowing where to begin. what to say, or why I would even post in a blog in myspace. I just need to explode.
This isn't a cry for help/sympathy anything. Just a way to let go. nothing will be in order, half of it probably wont make sense. Spelt correctly or have puncuation/grammer. But this is me.

-I have FOR REASONS UNKNOWN BY THE KILLERS ON REPEAT WHILE WRITING THIS.

- I want to see wicked / spamalot/ ave q !!
- I want to know hoe to crochet/ knit!
-I want to dance.
- I want to be open enought to make conversations with random people.
-I want to go sky diving,
-ACOMPLISH SOMETHING and have friends to share it with along the way.

-I am nineteen years old, not a very spectacular age, nothing special about it atoll, there's no little joy like there was turning 18 where I was able to stop getting harassed buying/trying to buy smokes. And there's no great joy of turning 21 and being able to walk into a liquor store and by my own bottle of Capt. Morgan to go home and get drunk with. ha.

- I haven't achieved anything in life atoll, nineteen years of life and nothing, nothing to show for my existence.

-Ive never been able to keep friends. IM always moving or to depressed to leave my house. My husband makes fun of me about it, bet yet doesn't want me to hang out with people he doesn't know until he comes home.

- ha yes IM married, and he's also in Iraq. i cant ever say IM upset about this, i just wish he was with me now instead of being far away. i love my husband. have for years. i remember seeing a former gf of his years ago in the hallways of school crying (never had i really talked to her but at this time i decided to console her to see what was wrong and i was rewarded with an amazing response that he had broken up with her. the next thing that popped out of my mouth was "o0 and where would i be able to find him now?!" IM horrible this i know but i couldn't help myself.

- our relationship is beyond weird. we dated for a few months then broke up (he argues that we never dated) he couldn't commit.

- i went on to do my own thing but we always kept in touch no matter who i was with or what i was doing i would drop everything just to be with him.

- to explain why we got married or why we initially did would be to much and you wouldn't understand but what it is now is something ive never expected. and IM happier then ive ever been, except for the fact that he's away for another 6 months now but i cant wait till he's home and to continue our life but deep down / hopefully not visible to the world i am scared and paranoid he will leave me when his contract is over with the marines.

- i really wouldn't know what to do, i just don't want to be like my mother, i refuse to be married 3 times.

-even though my mothers a bitch she's a fantastic woman. she can be/do anything there is she is a classified genius IM not even half of what she is and i think that upsets her.

-even though i don't tell him this as much as i should my father is the greatest man on earth. i love him dearly.

-i love her dearly but i don't ever want my life or marriage to be like my mother-inlaws. yes there happy but i couldn't ever just be a house wife and wait on my husband / children's every need i need to always do my own thing be my own person. share my life yes but never give it up.

-at the age of 16 i dropped out of high school. took my GED,(passing it on the first try) biggest mistake ever.

- i want to go to college, but now there are to many obstacles in the way.

- i cant decide what i really want to do i would like to try it all, i want to be a fashion designer, graphic designer, photographer, pastry chef, model.(haha).

-I begin projects I never finish.

-I used to sit around and doodle anywhere I can designs on clothes id want to make...my mother bought me a sewing machine one year for Christmas. I was able to use it a few times until she decided she wanted it and took it back but she never used it just left it in the closet and wouldn't let me touch it.

- I need to buy myself a sewing machine and get to it.

- I used to fuck around in Photoshop n shit to try n teach myself, was doing good at first but then gave up.

- Omg I used to bake something atleast everynite (except I gave up in NC the stove there was so tricky it would burn everything in a second) but then like everything else I stopped that aswell.

- I just started doing PICS with Candace, candylust.org, I don't even know why I bother, or even waste her time, IM horrible but IM trying not to give up.

- Ive been mentally, physically, verbally, sexuallly abused my whole life.

- this is why my husbands so over protective of me.

-My childhood was a nightmare.

- I wish I was more open, I wish I could go to a club and dance.

- I wish I had enough balls to perform at rocky horror instead of just standing behind the lights. But hey atleast it was something?

- I've made some horrible choices in my life and done some horrible things but who hasn't rite? If I hadn't would I be or know what I do now. I think not.

- IVE NEVER TRULY BEEN LOVED, UNTIL NOW.

- i am scared of people leaving me but not in the crazy stalker "don't leave me or ill kill you way"

- I should be used to it, people come and go in my life as much as a hooker gives blowjobs.

- My own sister doesn't even like me how pathetic is that.She'll be a great friend to any else int he world but her own sis who doesn't nothing but ever loved her n wanted to try n have a relationship with never in a life time.

-Omg I miss kissing!!! To me kissing is the best joy ever.

- I love when IM driving in the rain, the sound the rain makes on my roof and then the quiet of it going under an overpass.

- I love cold blankets, I hate waking up in the morning when its cold n nice i just want to stay in bed forever.

- i want to make something of myself,

- I want to be an alternative nude pin up model.

- I want to be skinny, but IM too lazy to really work out so I chose diet pills and barley any food.

- IM still a fat ass.

- IM not very pretty.

-Nor very smart. Unless I truly apply myself. but then again there's always the lazy factor.

- I wish I had a group of friends whom we can always depend on eachother.

- I would/have done anything for what friends I have had but never once has it been returned to me.

-I suffer from depression, but wont ever take meds.

- Rite now I want to dedicate a night to getting plastered and dancing.

omg IM PATHETIC!!!

I SERIOUSLY NEED TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE.

yay!

so on monday nick bought me a puppy!!!!! sweet!!

ive been thinkin about saving a life and adopting a dog for sometime but also i kinda wanted a small dog. i either wanted a english bulldog or a pug .. eeeeee pugs. but bulldogs have alot of problems as do pugs but not as much, soo ive been searching for pug adotions in the area cause his parents arent able to adopt one for me in ny / nj and bring him to me cause there super strict with it and even do house check up shit! wtf man. every pug adotion i found out herewas anywhere from 2-6 hours away n nick wasnt having that and most of them had a problem like diabetes or loss limb it was soo sad i wanted them all but obviously couldnt.

i want to own a pug farm..heehee....

so we went to the mall near us to ask the pet shop if they get pugs in / there price ranges /and if they knew about any adoption places besides the 1 i went to like 5 times a week already . and ended up with shitty info but meh.

then i turn to look at the dogs and i see this beautiful brindle puppy lickin himself..haha.. and i thought he was soo cute and squeeled in joy that i wanted him. then nick dragged me out of the store. we had some lunch n i argued my case on why i shoudl own a dog! and now..lol..

we wer leavin and walked by the pet store again n he made me ask some more questions about the dog cause we live in a apt complex n they dog has to be a certain weight and such. anyways i take the dog into a room i can veiw him in and 0o0o i just fel lin love he was soo little and shy he would sit inthe corner, we would try to play with him but he'd just sit there lookin sad with his sad sad eyes. and after a hour of sittin with him n talkin to the people there about him. I GOT THE DOG !

hes the runt of his litter, and very shyy, his brothers were bigger then him n sold quicker then him :(. i loved him soo i just wantedto take him home n make him happy , even nick liked him.( if he didnt i prolly wouldnt have gotten him).i also thought since hes shy like this then he wont be such a terror.


and now its wednsday and boy was i wrong.. well not really but HE BIT ME IN MY FUCKIN NIPPLE!!! OWWWIIES!...he is very good with potty training, he does all his business outside he runs rite to the grass and goes, he does have a lil mishaps when he just drinks some water he automatically pees sometimes but were workin on that. he doesnt ruff-house in the house and will only play with u outside where hes free to run-a-muck. he sleeps on a beanbag for now in the bedroom on my side of the beed ( on the floor tho) cause he loves bein close to his mommy!. he is my lil buddy but i do feel bad cause he doesnt act the same with nick he just sits there with him then squirms away n runs rite back to me ( not like nick does anything wrong hes just more into his game then the dog and my baby needs attention)but i love it! my lil guard dog, i just dont want nick to come back from iraq n bite nick or something.

we took him to the vet for the first time with us today and found out he has kennel cough which is normal and we got some medicine, he has hook worms which is also normal and curible in puppys but sadly he also has a heart murmer but we dont know if its serious yet.

but i love him to peicesssssss!!! my sweet prince! GRIM <3

why are people asking me if im pregnant?
did i get fat or somethin .? wtf is going on man . GOSH!!!!

so on october 2nd of 2006 i got married.....

i married my good friend some1 whom I love, nick. & i have been living in north carolina. things are ok just not what i had hoped them to be like, from myself, for myself.

I thought i would be able to handle it ( a lie i told myself) but seems as if im sinking into a depression. i sleep all day and am up all nite worse then its ever been. I just recently got my learners permit at the age of 19, took me four fuckin times. i felt like a total failure each damn time. i want to work , but how can i until i can drive myself to work ? i cant rely on the other girls cause they have there own lives to deal with why not throw some1 elses responsibilities on top of it . hell its my prob not theres. so in the end i feel like a complete failure.

hell i am 1.

What happend to the guy i speak about in the bellow entries. well , a discussion arose tween nick n i one nite bout marriage to bennefit eachothers lives. he didnt like my living situation and wanted to help me cause he does care about me just doesnt " love " me. and i was to sick of my life then . thinkin where is this goin , am i goin to have rent money this month , will we get evicted, when will we have power, or food. what am i doing. so yes i went for it . cause it helps and ill be with some1 who i do love aswell and has and will always be there and help me in the best ways he can. despite him loving me or not i dont care.
i know how he feels bout me and thats all thats needed to be said.

but tonite after 2 alabama slammers(?) i just started to think . what am i doing? why am i soo scared of life? why cant i stand on my own anymore. ive done it soo well in the past.

aswell as , when i was sittin with the girls listenin to them speak n talk bout home it got me sad. cause for all my 18 years of living there i do not have any1 waitin for me or missing me back in ny. i know people yes but nothing deep. and it sadens me , what have i dont in my life, who have i met/lost. where am i going?

i want a job , i want to drive i wanna do things for myself. i want to go to school. i wana major in somethin , maybe open my own screenprinting business.

i want to be happy, i want to be loved and not just know it but see it and feel it aswell.

i need to figure out whats goin on in my head/heart. to much i just went soo topsy turvy in this entry i forgot what my point was.

i just wanna live. love life. be happy. succesful.more then content.and not pregnant.( fingers crossed)

and i want nick to finally be home from trainin so i can know whats happenin so i can plan my life either it be here or in ny while hes gone.. idc. just needs to pick up

<3<3

Dont you just hate when you dream and you have this greatest dream or whatever it is and your just to out of it/ lazy watever to jot it down and them BAM it slips away.

yea well i had one of those dreams, and it is slipping away i only rememebr very few things and its sad cause it was awesome. maybe i should start a dream journal. yea ill do that.

so my dream reminded me of a sick twisted version of gilmore girls mixed with degrassi..

i remember my bf at the time was dean ( from gilmore girls) and jess was played by my friend nick. i remember a lot of fightin twen the 2 boys , alot of running and alot of sex. odd i owno i hate dreaming.

anywho....

soo yesterday i met up with my cuz and she shopped in urban outfitters spent 600 bucks and i had to help cary it all around. i hate bein poor specially when my fav store is havin a sale and i could but a pair of hot nikes which were 98$ for now 20$...::sigh::

i really want to get my surgery already i feel like it wont happen like my father is just brushing me off. well if it doesnt im just going to die.!

btw this hit me yesterday. i would love for some1 ( hopefully the one i love..lol) to propose to me in a photo booth. you know one of those that takes 4 photos in 3 mins. i want to capture that monemt forever . i would be so amazing!


about 30 mins ago i just had a breakdown, flipped out at my brother threw my freshly microwaved burrito across the room and watched it splatter EVERYWHERE! was bawlin like a baby and i dont know why. dont know whats wrong with me .

and where are you to relax me or something oh yea thats rite your busy watchin a movie you can easily pause unless you have some whore with u. but then again ill never know rite?... rite..

my head hurts from drinking last nite.

gosh i wish i was happy. im so not happy.

its been 6 months since ive turned 18 and im not saying its supposed to be this life changing thing ( which to some it is ) but i still feel as if i were 12, atleast thats how i feel like i get treated. this isnt the way i saw my life, well really i never actually sat there and planned it but i always just saw things a ceertain way . i figured i would atleast have a car or an apt by now and i would be happy , but no instead i took the long bumpy miserable road to hell! and what a long long journey it is.

im sleeping on an uncomfortable couch at my fathers house and living ouf of 2 small closet shelfs. now dont get me wrong i love my father to death but i dont belong here i dont deserve to be here .

see i grew up living with my mother basically my whole life ( minus the times i lived with dad for a month here n there when she kicked me out or a park bench or beach or 2) shes not the most sane woman on earth but boy is she classy.my father lacks certain things like mannors and such. here its like im livin in a barn with a bunch of screamin fat men, 3 to be exact.

anyway, pretty much i have nothing. i lost my job of 2 years, i dont live with the crazy woman ( and that does make me sad) im in a community college at night and i hate it!, i dont drive, i dont have a bedroom , privacy . i dont have anything .

i need to pick things up i need to do something.

i will be complete soon.